And the Missing Miracle
The pope is desperate, he's going to die at any second and he wants to make Mother Teresa a saint. But the poor old bugger is one miracle short of a sainthood.Look, I'm an atheist, but an atheist with a heart. Is it too much to ask, that I, Darwin Copernicus, should help him out?
Fate stepped in. While reading Christopher Hitchens' account of Mother Teresa, and the missing million$, an extraordinary thing happened. I was sitting on the loo, trying to pass a biggie, when suddenly there was a blinding flash! A turd the size of a Sherman tank passed through my bowels!
Fuck, I thought, I've wrecked my rectum. I turned around and stared inside the bowl. There, staring right back at me, was a vision of loveliness. A beautiful, radiant face, full of compassion and forgiveness.
"Who are you?" I enquired. "Howdy ho," responded the turd, "I'm Mr Hanky!"
"No you're not," I replied, "Mr Hanky is an imaginary turd from Southpark. Besides, you've got a halo." Suddenly I recognised her. "Hey, you're that blonde chick from the church billboards. You're the Virgin fucking Mary, fer Chris'sakes!"
"Got me in one," she replied.
I fished her out, laid her on a Bilo serviette, and allowed her to dry in the midday sun. She lost some of her sparkle, the divine light of magnificence faded, but the kindly features – that look of benevolence – remained. She is one sweet gal, that Virgin Mary.
I'm gunna parcel up my divine turd, post it to the pope. I'll tell him exactly what happened, how the Virgin Mary appeared to me while I was reading an article about Mother Teresa.
Here is the missing miracle!!!
Go John Paul – locate the holy rotted corpse of Mother Teresa.
Dig her up, then gently fold her saintly fingers around my divine turd. Pronounce her a "saint" and invite her to take her place alongside all the pedophiles, perverts and Nazis recently elevated to sainthood. Catholics around the world will celebrate because they've got one more preposterous sky-corpse to salivate and masturbate over.