While millions of people, including christians, disagree with the church’s stance on sex, few realise how ill informed and out of touch with reality the church is. The fact that approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce should tell us that something is seriously wrong somewhere.

Fifty percent is a massive failure rate and if it applied to anything else we'd be wondering where we're going wrong and whether perhaps the blueprint was faulty. Factor in the hundreds of priests caught molesting children and the thousands who get away with it and you start to realise that something is amiss with the entire judeao/christian ethos.

The fact is that christian thinking is out of sync with human feelings and human behaviour. It always has been.

How far back do you want to go? How about the early sixteenth century when Pope Leo X hosted spectacular orgies with naked little boys leaping out of giant cakes and entertaining god’s holy cocksuckers and divine arsefuckers? There has always been one ethic for popes and priests and another ethic for the hellbound population.

Sexual sin has served the church well this past two millennia. So long as you can convince people that masturbation and anything but vanilla sex is sinful you can also convince them that redemption is crucial yet possible only via the Church. The alternative to redemption is Hell!

It’s been a very effective campaign, THE most effective in fact.

Countless billions of people have had their lives ruined by this hideous fabrication. And now, even those of us who have cast off the worst of christianity’s yoke are left with a residue of guilt as a result of childhood conditioning. What do I mean by that? I mean that most people indulge in sexual activities which, were they to become known to friends and family, would cause immense shame and embarrassment. And those people who don’t indulge have at some time or other fantasized about "sinful" sex. I would go as far as to say that there isn’t, and never has been, one person on earth who hasn’t at some time or other fantasized about taboo sex of some kind.

I don’t care how respectable they appear in public, or how pure and pristine their image, every man on this planet has at some time or other masturbated while fantasizing about something he shouldn’t. I’m not sure what women do, perhaps they divert their sexuality towards other things, but they still fantasize. Mother Teresa, when she was a teenager, touched herself "down there" and fantasized about sex of some kind. Maybe she fucked dalmations.

There is a very good reason for this, we are human, and humans enjoy sex. At least we would do given half a chance. Many of us have seized that half-chance and to hell with hell. And yet many of us still feel just a teensy weensy bit guilty because we suck cock or we pay prostitutes or we’re attracted to children or we dress up as girls or we masturbate too much or we’re aroused by "sluts" or we are a slut or we once got a hard-on because of something we read on a toilet wall, or we…

Our problem is that we’re human! No, the problem isn’t that we’re human, it’s that the church has never allowed us the freedom to be human! It saw an opportunity to control the world by making sex sinful and the wages of sin diabolical. It got away with it for two thousand years and became the richest most powerful business corporation in the world.

THE REFORMATION

Five hundred years ago Martin Luther attacked the Catholic Church for selling indulgencies, among other things, and the result was the founding of the Protestant Church. It was a good move but the protestant churches were just as sin oriented as their Roman counterpart. It could be argued that the puritan streak was even more pronounced in some protestant churches.

The protestant churches took the idea of sin seriously whereas the Catholic Church just used it as a means to extort money from the people. Still does.

It is time for Zeitgeist – The Spirit of the Age!

THE SECULAR REVOLUTION

We now have the benefit of science to help us see life through untinted glasses. Few christians obey Jesus when he advises us to mutilate ourselves for harboring a lustful thought. In fact we think he was having a bad head day when he said that. Very few rich christians give up their worldly goods, instead they reject Jesus' analogy of a camel passing through the eye of a needle. Millionaire christians convince themselves that they're aboard that glory train to heaven. Me, I'm expecting train wrecks. And when Jesus warns people who divorce and remarry that they're destined for hell we’re inclined to say "Shut the fuck up Jesus!"

We don’t believe Saint Paul when he claims that in order to avoid eternal damnation we should endeavour to be like him, going without sex altogether. We now look upon Saint Paul as a total weirdo wanker. In fact we now realise that everything christianity has to say about sex in nonsense.

That’s why I’m saying it’s time for a fresh start.

Dispense with the Roman Catholic Church.
Dispense with the Anglican Church.
Dispense with all the various offshoot churches.

It’s 2005, time for the REAL WILD CHURCH!

The Real Wild Church welcomes lapsed godists, atheists, agnostics, deists, freethinkers, humanists and pagans. Gays, bisexuals, transgenders, perverts and paraphiliacs.

For the first time since ancient Greece there is a Church which acknowledges and ACCEPTS human sexuality. The Real Wild Church is a 21st century pagan church, an anti-christ church. We don’t worship gods, messiahs or leprechauns – we doubt very much if such things exist but we leave that to you. You choose whatever you want to believe and that’s fine by us. We have one friend who believes that Rael had a little chat with aliens from outer space and travelled with them to their planet. Tremendous fun! Nothing wrong with that, just careful with those anal probes, Eugene!

Please don't try and convert us though, it would be a mistake for godists to attend our meetings with a view to converting us back to christian barbarity and silliness. We have outgrown barbarity and silliness.

The Real Wild Church offers comfort and companionship to the millions of people throughout the world who are sick to death of christian deceit cruelty and hypocrisy – particularly as it pertains to sex – people who would like to see a structure in place which caters for the ordinary non pious individuals and families who just need to be treated with respect and kindness.

If you disagree with some of our ideas we promise not to condemn you to hell. And unlike Saint Peter, if you refuse donate money to the fledgling church we won’t murder you, or force you to "give up your ghost."

We hold discussion meetings every week which always get out of hand and end up with everyone drinking evil alcohol and dancing to devil music. Later on, at the stroke of midnight, sex happens. Or at least, with a bit of luck it might do.

The Real Wild Church is a fun church. It is not a cult. You will not be brainwashed and imprisoned and forced to drink orange juice laced with cyanide. Mind you, our homemade punch leaves a lot to be desired.

For the nearest meeting place to you, email the Chief Gnome.

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