English Atheist's Favourite Quotes

(Or: Favorite quotes - trawled from all over the place.)

"You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one."

- John Lennon - Imagine.

"And I will execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen, such as they have not heard." - God (Micah 5:15)

"From the first moment I looked into that horror on September 11th, into that fireball, into that explosion of horror, I knew it, I recognized an old companion. I recognized religion." - Monsignor Lorenzo Albacete, professor of theology at St. Joseph's Seminary in New York.

"Religion drove those planes into those buildings, it's amazing how good religion is at mobilizing people to do awful, murderous things. There is this dark side to it, and anyone who loves religious experience, including me, better begin to own that there is a serious shadow side to this thing." - Rabbi Brad Hirschfeld.

"After September 11, the face of God was a blank slate for me. God could not be counted on in the way I thought God could be counted on." - Rev. Joseph Griesedieck, Episcopal priest.

"It's been a fabulous year for Laura and me." - George W. Bush, December 2001, three months after the World Trade Center attacks.

"I'm proud of my daughter." - Terrie England - mother of Pfc Lynndie England, Iraqi prisoner torturer. (Heard on TV news, 7th May 2004.)

"Religion is the most malevolent of all mind viruses." - Arthur C. Clarke. (18th February 2004, The Onion AV Club interview.)

"Religion has done more to bust-up humanity than anything." - Whoopi Goldberg, on the Graham Norton NY Show Channel 4, 20th Feb 2004.

"Truly he is the Son of God." - John Wayne

"Compared to August, the month of September is likely to be relatively a lot less stressful for most of the world, especially from natural and man-made accidents, terrorism, and violence standpoints. Also, after the first week of September, expect some relief to the volatile region of Israel and Palestine." - Prediction for September 2001 on astroinsight.com - a member of the professional astrology webring.

"Richard's cancer will go into remission; the third Potter film wins him industry-wide applause." - From "Stargazing" (a column written by Anthony Carr and Tony Brenna in the Toronto Sunday Sun) on October 27, 2002 - two days after Richard Harris died of cancer. Anthony Carr proclaims himself as "The World's Most Documented Psychic."

"A man can have sex with animals such as sheep, cows, camels and so on. However he should kill the animal after he has his orgasm. He should not sell the meat to the people in his own village, however selling the meat to the next door village should be fine." - Ayatollah Khomeini - 'Tahrirolvasyleh', fourth volume, Darol Elm, Gom, Iran, 1990.

"The church lives on the fact that modern research about Jesus is not known amongst the public." - Hans Konzelmann

"The deliverance of the saints must take place some time before 1914." - Charles Taze Russell, American religious leader
and founder of Jehovah's Witnesses, Studies in
the Scripture, Volume 3, 1910 edition

"The deliverance of the saints must take place some time after 1914." - Charles Taze Russell, American religious leader
and founder of Jehovah's Witnesses, Studies in
the Scripture, Volume 3, 1923 edition

"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being." - Jerry Falwell

"A conjuring trick with bones." - Rt Reverend David Jenkins, former Bishop of Durham, England. (Speaking in 1980 on the biblical account of the resurrection.)

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull." - W.C Fields

"There is no god." - Penn, and "He's right." - Teller - on an autograph done for Donny and Marie Osmond (during their 1998 appearance on the Osmond's syndicated talkshow).

"The world holds two classes of men - intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence." - Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri (973-1057) Syrian poet.

"Away with these Atheists!" - Colosseum crowd chant, ancient Rome, prior to throwing Christians to the lions.

"God's second name is not 'DAMMIT'." - From a poster - in my local chip shop! (Aww, they took it down after refurbishments. 21-11-00. They still do nice chips though. MJB)

"I don't see any god up here." - Yuri Alekseyevich Gagarin (the first man in space), speaking from orbit, 1961.

"...religious belief has been a massively negative force in human history, causing great suffering and conflict, and standing deliberately in the way of most of mankind's efforts at progress, freedom and flourishing." - A C Grayling - 21st century English philosopher. (From an interview on Amazon.co.uk)

"A man can have sexual pleasure from a child as young as a baby. However he should not penetrate, sodomising the child is OK. If the man penetrates and damages the child then he should be responsible for her subsistence all her  life. This girl, however does not count as one of his four permanent wives." - Ayatollah Khomeini - 'Tahrirolvasyleh', fourth volume, Darol Elm, Gom, Iran, 1990.

"One of the most frightening things in the Western world, and in this country in particular, is the number of people who believe in things that are scientifically false. If someone tells me that the earth is less than 10,000 years old, in my opinion he should see a psychiatrist." - Francis Crick

"Faith is a wondrous thing; it is not only capable of moving mountains, but also of making you believe that a herring is a race horse." - Arthur Koestler.

"Walk with those seeking Truth. Run from those who think they've found it." - Deepak Chopra

"Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever.

(...short pause...)

Thy bidding will be done. {(Munch munch munch.)}" - Homer Simpson

Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. - Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary.

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' - George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001

"For centuries the human mind has been fettered by the priestly chain." - The Rationalist's Manual.

"May God bless her, and all who sail in her" - Florence Ismay, at the launching of the Titanic

"The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy!" - George Carlin

"The theistic idea of God is not only in this day and age unbelievable, it is immoral." - Bishop John Shelby Spong, Christ Episcopal Church, Maryland Parkway, Las Vegas, September 3, 2003.

   "Religion is an insult to human dignity.  With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion." Steven Weinberg - Nobel Laureate

"I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'" - Tammy Faye Bakker

Trust in Allah, but keep a tight leash on your camel. - Iraqi proverb.

"And the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd. And he was buried and rose again; the fact is certain because it is impossible." - Tertullian (150-225CE)

"I AM JESUS CHRIST!" - Aaron Mitchell, convicted murderer, awaiting death by gassing at San Quentin prison, 1967.

"What one believes and what one can demonstrate historically are usually two different things." - Robert J. Miller - Bible scholar

"I have examined all of the known superstitions of the world and I do not find in our superstitions of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all founded on fables and mythology. Christianity has made one half the world fools and the other half hypocrites." - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

"Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian." - Lenny Bruce

"In Glasgow an atheist is someone who goes to a Celtic v Rangers match to enjoy the football." - Ian Proud, in the Times Question and Answer column, June 2003.

"If the bible had said that Jonah swallowed the whale, I would believe it." - William Jennings Bryan

"Faith is the answer to the future." - Tony Blair - July 2000

"If you believe in the existence of fairies at the bottom of the garden you are deemed fit for the bin. If you believe in parthenogenesis, ascension, transubstantiation and all the rest of it you are deemed fit to govern the country." - Jonathan Meades

"This is God's garden." Willian Hague (Ex-British Parliamentary opposition leader) - on the Yorkshire Dales - December 2000

"Allah's curse is on the unbelievers." - The Koran

"...the most religious Prime Minister since Gladstone" - Lord Longford - on Tony Blair

"There is no hell. There is only... FRANCE!!!" - Frank Zappa

"The Lord vomited people like Ben out of his mouth to hell." - The Reverend Scott Mansfield of Chama, New Mexico, at the June 2003 funeral of his Catholic parishoner, Ben Martinez.

"Progress and conduct: I'm afraid that I am severly dissapointed in God's works.  All three of him have shown no tendency to improve and He merely sits at the back of the class talking to himselves.  He has shown no interest in rugger, asked to be excused prayers, and moves in a mysterious way." - Ferndean School Report on God - The brand new Monty Python Book.

"An upstart astrologer...This fool wishes to reverse the entire science of astronomy; but sacred Scripture tells us that Joshua commanded the sun to stand still, and not the earth." - Martin Luther on Copernicus

"Make your cheques payable to 'Benny Hinn Ministaries'..." - Benny Hinn

"God is great!" - Public gallery crowd chant when Amina Lawal Kurami was sentenced to death by stoning at her 2002 trial in Funtuas, Katsina state, Nigeria, by an Islamic Sharia court.

"Life's a glitch - then you die." - Tree-house of Horror X - The Simpsons.

"Carl did not want to believe. He wanted to know." - Ann Druyan (Carl Sagan's widow)

"Religion deserves no more respect than a pile of garbage." - H. L. Mencken

From IRC #atheist:

<Saca> actually, I've never been *hit on* by an atheist. (Maybe they're just more subtle?) But several christians *from this channel* have asked me in message, after finding out they can't win my soul, how big are my breasts?

"The time appears to me to have come when it is the duty of all to make their dissent from religion known." - John Stuart Mill

"All things foul and ugly, All creatures short and squat. Putrid, foul and gangrenous, the Lord God made the lot." - Monty Python

"One man's religion is another mans' belly laugh." - Isaac Asimov

"Once I was stoned." - Paul - Corinthians 11:25

"Once the word of Islam was spread by the sword -- today we are going to spread the word with Kalishnikovs." - Sheikh Abdullah el-Faisal, London-based Muslim cleric.

"It is wonderful to kill a non-believer." - ditto

" " - Harpo Marx

"Writing science fiction for about a penny a word is no way to make a living, If you really want to make a million, the quickest way is to start your own religion." - L. Ron Hubbard

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" - Quentin Crisp

"I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local missionary priest, 'If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?' 'No,' said the priest, 'not if you did not know.' 'Then why,' asked the Eskimo earnestly, 'did you tell me?' "Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, 1974

"Beware of the voices." - British TV advert.

"I went to Yale, and I didn't even know they had a library. I was there seven years. I never saw a library.'' - George 'Dubya' Bush, quoted in 'Living History' by Hilary Clinton.

"We have to accept somewhat looser standards. In the legal profession, to convict the defendant of a crime, you need proof beyond a reasonable doubt. In civil cases, a preponderance of the evidence is sufficient. When dealing with the Bible or any ancient source, we have to loosen up a little; otherwise, we can't really say anything." - David Noel Freedman (in Bible Review magazine, Dec. 1993, p.34)

"Behold, behold, The Lamb of God

As it skips and hops.

I know that soon The Lamb of God

Will be the Lamb of chops." - Spike Milligan

"It is odd that neither the Church nor modern public opinion condemns petting, provided it stops short at a certain point. At what point sin begins is a matter as to which casuists differ. One eminently orthodox Catholic divine laid it down that a confessor may fondle a nun's breasts, provided he does it without evil intent. But I doubt whether modern authorities would agree with him on this point." - Bertrand Russell