Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, (nudge nudge, wink wink!) she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. Matthew 1:18

Espoused? Espoused means "betrothed" (New American Standard Bible.) Betrothed? Betrothed means "engaged to be married" (The New Collins Dictionary). So Mary was engaged to Joseph when she discovered that she was up the duff.

But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost." Matthew 1:20

"Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife." (New American Standard Bible.) The word "as" is significant because it shows that they were not already married.

So while he was dreaming, an angel appeared unto Joseph and told him to marry his pregnant fuck buddy because a holy ghost had stuck its pee-pee into her ho-ho. Personally I would have been far more impressed had the "angel of the Lord" appeared to Joseph while he was wide awake. Let's face it, we all get weird dreams. I sometimes dream that I can fly and that I have a dick like Ferdinand the bull.

Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife. Matthew 1:24

...and took her as his wife. (NASB)

Onya Mary, ya fooled that sucker!

This, the first chapter of the book of Matthew, proves beyond all shadow of doubt that Joseph, not God, was the natural father of Jesus. What's more, the so-called "Virgin Mary" was well pregnant to Joseph before he married her. Mary was just a normal, healthy, fun-loving gal.

"The furtive pregnancy of young women, often by a God, is one of the most frequently recurring incidents in the legendary narratives of the country." Alexander Grote, historian

Jesus was circumcised in the traditional manner but his circumcision went horribly wrong. As happened frequently, and even with advanced methods of sterilization, still does happen, the wound turned septic and Jesus' penis rotted away. That is why in later life he railed against sex and encouraged his followers to mutilate their bodies.

JESUS ON DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE

"But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery; and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery." Matthew 5:32

So now you understand why the Catholic Church is so down on divorce. Apart from "fornication" Jesus forbade it. If your wife is a fornicator you are allowed to divorce her, but for no other reason. Anyone who remarries is guilty of adultery. Still not convinced?

"And I say unto you Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery; and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." Matthew 19:9

So the millions upon millions of Christians who have divorced and remarried have disobeyed Jesus. Let's see what he had to say about the punishment for adultery.

Jesus said, "Thou shall do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness." Matthew 19:18

So as far as Jesus was concerned, adultery was second only to murder on the scale of wickedness.

Whoopsidaisy – did I say second? Sorry, it's just been ratcheted up a notch...

"Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour your father and mother." Mark 10:19

Adultery – sin Numero Uno! Keep your pants zipped fellas. And how are adulterers to be punished?

"A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given unto it, but the sign of the prophet Jonah." Matthew 16:4

Did he mean that adulterers will be tossed into the sea and devoured by a whale? Unlikely. More likely Jesus was referring to the way God tortured Jonah by exposing him to the scorching sun until Jonah was so miserable he begged God to let him die. God responded by growing a vine over Jonah to protect him from the sun but then caused a worm to eat the vine so Jonah was once again exposed to the intense heat of the desert sun.

"And it came to pass when the sun did arise, that God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, that he fainted, and wished in himself to die, and said, It is better for me to die than to live." Jonah 4:8

So adulterers, according to Jesus you're in for blistering times ahead.

ADULTERY IMPOSSIBLE TO AVOID

"Thou shalt not commit adultery. But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:28

Just for looking? Wow dude, heavy. How can we avoid committing adultery?

MUTILATE YOUR BODY

"And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell." Matthew 5:29

Ah, now we're getting to the nitty-gritty. So the punishment for adultery is hell, but if all we've done is glanced at a woman lustfully we can avoid the fires of hell by plucking out one eye.

What about masturbation?

"And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell." Matthew 5:30

So there you have it, this so-called liberal reformer turns out to be a puritanical tyrant who advocates body mutilation to compensate for the slightest sexual transgression. Either that or he'll see you burn in hell, forever.

"The God of hell should be held in loathing, contempt and scorn. A God who threatens eternal pain should be hated , not loved; cursed, not worshiped. A heaven presided over by such a God must be below the meanest hell." Robert G. Ingersoll (1833-1889)