Hank's Witnesses come visiting
MARY: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's butt with us.
ME: Pardon me? What are you talking about? Who is Hank, and why would
I want to kiss his butt?
JOHN: If you kiss Hank's butt, he will give you a million dollars;
and if you don't, he will kick the crap out of you.
ME: What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?
JOHN: Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town.
Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants and what he wants
is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his
butt.
MARY: Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the butt?
ME: Well maybe, if it is legit, but...
JOHN: Then come kiss Hank's butt with us.
MARY: Oh yes, all the time...
ME: And has he given you a million dollars?
JOHN: Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town.
ME: So why don't you just leave town now?
MARY: You can't leave until Hank tells you to or you don't get the
money and he kicks the crap out of you.
JOHN: My mother kissed Hank's butt for years. She left town last year
and I'm sure she got the money.
ME: Haven't you talked to her since then?
JOHN: Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it.
ME: So what makes you think he will actually give you the money if
you have never talked to anyone who got the money?
MARY: Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you
will get a raise; maybe you will win a small lotto; maybe you will
just find a twenty dollar bill on the street.
ME: What does that have to do with Hank?
JOHN: Hank has certain...connections.
ME: I'm sorry but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game.
JOHN: But it IS a million dollars. Can you really take the chance?
And remember, if you DON'T kiss Hank's butt he will kick the crap out
of you.
MARY: No one sees Hank. No one talks to Hank.
ME: Then how do you kiss his butt?
JOHN: Sometimes we just blow him a kiss and think of his butt. Other
times we kiss Karl's butt, and he passes it on.
ME: Who is Karl?
MARY: A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.
ME: And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank,
that Hank wanted you to kiss his butt, and that Hank would reward
you?
JOHN: Oh no! Karl has got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining
the whole thing. Here is a copy; see for yourself. John handed me a
photocopy of a handwritten memo with – From the desk of Karl – on
the letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
ME: This would appear to be written on Karl's Letterhead.
MARY: Hank did not have any paper.
ME: I have a hunch that if we checked we would find this is Karl's
handwriting.
JOHN: Of course, Hank dictated it.
ME: I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?
MARY: Not now; but years ago he would talk to some people.
ME: I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist kicks the crap out of people just because they are
different?
MARY: It's what Hank wants; and Hank is always right.
MARY: Item 7 says – Everything Hanks says is right – That's good
enough for me!
ME: Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.
JOHN: No way! Item 5 says – Hank dictated this list himself. –
Besides, item 2 says – Use alcohol in moderation. – Item 4 says –
Eat right. – And item 8 says – Wash your hands after going to the
toilet. – Everyone knows THOSE things are right; so the rest must be
true too.
ME: But 9 says – Do not Drink – which does not quite go with item
2. And 6 says – The moon is made of green cheese – which is just
plain wrong.
JOHN: There is no contradiction between 9 and 2. And 9 just clarifies 2.
As far as 6 goes, you have never been to the moon; so you cannot say
for sure.
ME: Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made
of rock...
Me: Not knowing WHERE the rock came from doesn't mean it COULD be
green cheese rather than rock.
JOHN: Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we
know Hank is always right!
ME: We do?
MARY: Of course we do, Item 5 says so.
ME: So, you're saying that Hank is always right because the list says
so; the list is right because Hank dictated it; and we know that Hank
dictated it because the list says so.
JOHN: Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come
around to Hank's way of thinking.
ME: But...Oh, never mind. What's the deal with the sausages? (Mary
blushes)
JOHN: Sausages: in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else
is wrong.
ME: What if I don't have a bun?
JOHN: No bun, no sausage. A sausage without a bun is wrong.
ME: No relish? No Mustard? (Mary looks positively stricken)
JOHN (shouting): There's no need for such language! Condiments of any
kind are wrong!
MARY (sticking her fingers in her ears): I am not listening to this!
La la la, la la, la la la.....
JOHN: That is disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat
that...
ME: But it is good! I eat it all the time.
(Mary faints. John catches her)
JOHN: Well, if I had known you were one of THOSE, I wouldn't have
wasted my time. When Hank kicks the crap out of you, I want to be
there.
John drags Mary to their waiting car and speeds off. I go inside
pondering about how some people would believe anything.
One morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I
found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke
first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
ME: That doesn't make any sense. Why...
ME: Do you kiss Hank's butt often?
ME: Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's butt, left town, and got the
million dollars?
ME: Maybe if I could see Hank; talk to him; get the details straight
from him...
1.) Kiss Hank's butt and he will give you a million dollars when you
leave town.
2.) Use alcohol in moderation.
3.) Kick the crap out of people who are not like you.
4.) Eat right.
5.) Hank dictated this list himself.
6.) The moon is made of green cheese.
7.) Everything Hank says is right.
8.) Wash your hands after going to the toilet.
9.) Do not drink.
10.) Eat your sausages on buns, no condiments.
11.) Kiss Hank's butt or he will kick the crap out of you.
ME: How do you figure that?
MARY: But they do not know if the rock came from the Earth, or from
outer space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.
ME: So a big pile of sauerkraut with some sausages chopped up in it
would be out of the question?