Why I am Not Afraid of Hell
by Darwin Copernicus
Christians ask me, "Aren't you concerned about the consequences if it turns out that you're wrong?" By "consequences" they mean, hell.The answer is, "no," not in the slightest.
Before I explain my reasons, we need to assertain whether God is a he or a she. In other words, does God have a penis? Does God urinate? Does he get erections, and for what purpose? This might sound flippant but unless God urinates and shags, he'd have no use for a penis. If God doesn't have a penis then God is female. Or perhaps God is like one of those shop manequins with a mons pubis but no genitals.
If God does have a penis, is the divine slug circumcised? God is Jewish so he must be circumcised, but who circumcised him, and what became of the prepuce (foreskin)? It was probably the size of hot air balloon and it might be floating around in space somewhere, emitting mysterious little beeps and confusing astronomers. Yes, I think, for the purpose of this essay we'll assume that God is male and that he has a dong the size of a galactic sperm whale.
Here are my reasons for not fearing hell.
I might be wrong about the existance of a creative force, call it a "God" if you like, but here's what I am 100% right about.
If such a "God" exists, it won't be a "jealous god." In fact, to suggest that the Creator of the Universe suffers from such a neurotic human condition is a bit of an insult, in my opinion.
God wouldn't bellow, deceive, boast, hiss, curse, roar, blow smoke, drop hot coals, expose his back parts, play tunes though his anus, or do any of the myriad ridiculous things the Bible accuses him of.
God wouldn't visit Earth to teach men how to dig latrines.
God wouldn't insist that millions of animals and thousands of children be sacrificed on his altars. God would not relish the smell of burning flesh. God would not need to be glorified and sanctified by the suffering of beautiful creatures.
God wouldn't murder hundreds of thousands of children and babies. God wouldn't drown them and he wouldn't incinerate them. God wouldn't send plagues, famines and droughts just to vent his wrath. To accuse the Creator of the Universe of being "wrathfull" is as stupid as accusing the moon of being spiteful.
God wouldn't have wild bears tear children apart, limb from tiny limb as punishment for calling a man "old bald head." Even if the children were so-called "sinners," God would forgive them, or possibly laugh.
When compiling his Ten Commandments God would pay less attention to his own glorification and more attention to the needs of children. God wouldn't force parents to eat their own children.
God wouldn't give thousands of men haemorrhoids. God wouldn't threaten to wipe excrement on men's faces, nor would he force them to drink urine.
God would not ban the blind, the disabled and people with "flat noses" (ie Gentiles) from his sancturies.
God wouldn't favor one race of people over another, but even if he did have a "chosen race" God wouldn't choose a mass murdering psychopath like Moses to launch it, nor a sleazy cowardly pimp like Abraham to lead it, nor a drunken pedophile like Lot to continue the bloodline. God wouldn't appoint a manic savage like Joshua to represent it, nor an adulterous torturer like David to rule it.
And if this Universal Creator decided to slap on some flesh and stroll around the planet, he would display a degree of intelligence that would leave us gasping to this day. God wouldn't attempt to cure people of mental disorders by casting their "demons" into 2,000 pigs, causing the pigs to commit suicide. God wouldn't curse a fig tree to death because it failed to produce fruit out of season. God would know when a fruit tree yields fruit and when it doesn't.
God wouldn't advise men to gouge out their eyes and sever their hands, nor would God recommend that they slash their scrotums to remove their testicles.
God would not instruct his followers to hate their mothers and brothers and fathers and sisters.
God would not condone slavery.
God wouldn't scream at non believers and condemn them to an eternity spent writhing in flames. Instead God would commend skeptics for using the brain that he went to a great deal of trouble to design and manufacture.
Were God to be approached by the mother of a sick child he would not refuse to cure the child because she wasn't a Jew. Nor would he call the mother a "dog."
God would have invited his mum to the Last Supper, or at the very least he would have saved her a doggy bag.
God wouldn't volunteer to be a surrogate donkey, a scapegoat for men's sins. Instead God would scold men for heaping their "sins" upon the backs of innocent creatures and driving them into the desert to die a horrible death. God would not be party to such an obscene ritual. Besides, what would be the point of dying painfully so God could ascend into heaven and sit on the right hand side of himself?
And when numerous graves sprang open allowing the decayed corpses of "saints" to stroll around Jerusalem "appearing unto many", God would have said, "Get thee back into thy graves, ye smelly, maggoty old corpses ye!"
The moment someone focuses their intelligence on Biblical claims they see in an instant that everything the Bible teaches about God is nonsense. The Bible was written by ignorant savages with very little knowlege about anything. They created a vile, disgusting and monstrous deity after their own barbaric natures. Next they created a moronic imbecile and claimed that he was "God" cloaked in flesh. They cemented the two together with a spooky binding agent known as a "holy ghost."Then, because human beings are gullible and naive — inclined to believe precisely what they're told to believe — it was a simple matter for the Church Pty Ltd to convince them that the Bible is the word of "God." Yet the strange thing is, Christians don't read the Bible. Everyone who reads this essay says, "The Bible doesn't say that. Show me where the Bible says that..." Which proves they've never read the Bible.
You want to find out where the Bible accuses God of being an ignorant, disgusting, hideous, sinister, slimey, sleazy, murdering, loathesome ghoul? Read the Bible. It's your book, not mine.
So am I frightened of what might happen to me for slandering those two man-made deities? Not in the slightest. If I thought for one split second that there might be a Universal Creator watching over us, I'd be proud to count myself among the few people who defend it from the obscene accusations levelled against it in the Bible. And I wouldn't like to be in your shoes, come "Judgement Day."