God created the universe in seven days. Actually six days, his gout was playing up so he needed to rest on the seventh. In the beginning, trillions and trillions of suns and planets were put on hold while God concentrated on a speck of cosmic dust called Earth. He planted the vegetation which survived remarkably well in temperatures approaching minus a thousand degrees. Then he created the sun, and as an after thought "he created the stars also".

Jolly good of him otherwise the Three Wise Men who came later would have gone round and around in circles till they disappeared up their camels' arseholes.

God created Adam and Eve from the dust but Eve fell down a big tar pit and disappeared forever. Eve was gazetted on the Missing Persons list but no trace of her has ever been found. God introduced Adam to monkeys, gorillas and orang utans but Adam was not impressed. He demanded a new woman. "Give me a helpmeet, you fucking moron!" he yelled. And so God snatched one of Adam's ribs and fashioned it into a woman.

"There – what do you reckon to that?" asked God. "The other one had bigger tits" complained Adam. "Listen mate, she fucks, she bakes cakes and sucks dick, now shut the fuck up!"

Adam slunk away and made do with second best. The next day while Adam slept, Eve got chatting to a snake. The snake, a reptile with no vocal chords, said to Eve, "Hello honey-buns, take a bite from this apple. Eve was shocked – "Oh no no no sir, hush thy mouth. God told us not to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge".

"God, Shmod, who gives a stuff – c'mon honey buns" persisted the snake, "just one little bite, and while you're at it, give some to your fuck buddy".

Eve did as the serpent instructed and then wandered off to the wilderness, or to the shops, who knows? God appeared on the scene and asked "Where art thou Adam?" Despite there being only two people on the planet God was inclined to lose track of them, especially without his spectacles.

When God realized what had happened he was ropable. He banished Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden and he punished the snake by making it crawl on its belly. And that, children, is how the snake lost its wings.

God punished all womanhood from that point on with agonizing childbirth and Adam was made to clean the latrines with a toothbrush. But worst of all, it came to light several centuries later that God had punished all mankind to an eternity spent writhing in the flames of hell because of "orginal sin". And the only way to avoid eternal damnation was to pay the Catholic Church thousands of shekels. This practice was called "buying indulgencies" but that's another story...

We hope you enjoyed this, the first story from the Little Red Bible Book. Every week a new story will be added and it will also be available for viewing on YouTube.

2000 little piggies!